Forever Hitokiri
by samurai-swords-maid
Summary: Kenshin is hiding himself from the past...But some things you can never bury...slight kenshinxkaoru and kenshinxtomoe. ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY FIC! --victory!--


Forever Hitokiri  
  
summary: from Kenshin's point of view on his past as a hitokiri. overdone, but, oh well. I'm on an angst roll!  
  
KENSHIN'S POV!  
  
disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Wish I did though, wish I did.  
  
GUESS WHAT!! today's my one-year anniversary that i've been on this site, so you get an anniversary fic! yay!  
  
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The past is something you can't change.  
  
How terribly I wish it wasn't so. There is no way to wash away the blood from these hands, yet I still try. I know there is no way to bury the sins that lie heavily upon my soul, but still I try.  
  
I stand in the rain, wishing it could wash the guilt from my soul, my being.  
  
But no matter how many times I stand in the rain, I still continue to feel the guilt, the sins, the blood of those I felled.  
  
And it burned.  
  
I try to ease it by helping others. And it helped. I would forget my problems for days, weeks at a time. But they always seem to come back. Sometimes, they would cut deeper than before, those memories. Why? I don't know, and I don't think I ever will. All I know is that there is no way to possibly to wash away the guilt, the cleanse my soul.  
  
Why did I choose this path of life? Why didn't I listen to Hiko-sensei?  
  
Was is possible that Jin-e was correct? Once a hitokiri, always a hitokiri? But hadn't I told him myself that what he said wasn't true? Was I lieing to myself...? To everyone?  
  
I don't know. I really don't know. Someone, tell me....Please. Is it true? I can never atone for my sins? Is everything I've ever believed in...a lie? A simple lie I created to hide the truth? No, it can't be. I would never lie.  
  
But then what was that silly little smile I had plastered upon my face? Sometimes it was true, usually it was. It was hard not to smile at some of the antics of the people I came to know and love.  
  
Hitokiri hated them.  
  
Even over the years I have changed, there is always a voice in my head that wants to kill. I have dubbed that the Hitokiri part of me. He whispers loudly at the sight of them  
  
I think he despises Kaoru-dono. He is still broken over Tomoe, though he refuses to admit it..  
  
Tomoe...Will it be betraying her if I fall in love with Kaoru? Let me correct that...I have fallen in love with her. It feels wrong, but I'm sure she she would want me ato go on...I truly missed her....I wonder what I would be like if she hadn't have died.  
  
I expect I would have escaped a lot of pain.  
  
I still remember that day when we first met....She told me I had turned the rain red.  
  
I had.  
  
I still remember the day I drove my blade into her...Her blood rushed onto my face and hands....My guilty hands..I had dug into her so deep, so hard. ..I was guilty of so much blood, yet seeing hers on my hands made my mind reel in horror. She had cut that scar into my cheek, to make me remember.  
  
As if I could forget.  
  
But it is my daily reminder. I will not return to hitokiri because I will always remember this. I forgot once....Once, in that fight with the Wolf.  
  
But never I will forget wholly.  
  
My life has always been my sad emotion. No matter how you look at it, it's is depressing. I hide it well enough, but even sometimes I need a few minutes to be alone.  
  
That is the reason I wash the laundry. I know for a fact I need not do it, but I want to wash away the blood on my hands. Sometimes, I'll look, and it will be dripping red.  
  
It's times like these I suppose it's true.  
  
The rain beats down on my weary body. I don't know why it's like that; I haven't done that much today.  
  
Something warmer than the rain streams down my face. I oen my eyes, horrified I will be seeing more blood....But it's not. It's just more water. I turn my face back up to the rain letting it mix with my salt tears.  
  
It's times like this I know it's true...  
  
Once a hitokiri...  
  
Always a hitokiri.  
  
Hitokiri...forever.  
  
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SSM: (sigh) the quality got worse and worse. This time, I really do have writer's block. Sorry, but I really felt I needed an anniversary fic...well, please review, even though it sucked. 


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